Tired of Pretending
This morning, while waiting for the elevator, I scrolled into a video. A woman software engineer, tired voice, tired face. No new tech, no AI hype, just the things everyone in this industry knows but few say out loud. I usually skip these, yet I watched it all, and felt more like her than I wanted to admit.
Companies keep saying we are a family. I was surprised this slogan exists everywhere. No family reviews you every six months and puts you on a list to cut. We just choose to believe it.
Then AI. Engineers treated as a number is nothing new. AI only made it show faster.
The real burnout comes from learning only to survive. Frameworks change. Microservices. A new LLM every month. Fall behind and you fear being left out. At some point the thing I loved became an obligation.
The exams never end. I hate exams, yet I picked a job that tests me for life. Every job change sends you back to the desk. The titles get louder. The salary does not.
The higher you go, the thicker the mask. As a junior I could say "I don't know this". As a senior it sounds like a confession.
What stayed with me: sitting alone typing prompts to AI is now the model of productivity, while talking to a teammate is wasted time. Last week I opened a chat window instead of asking the person next to me. Faster. Easier. Colder.
But what keeps me here was never the newest model. It is the people I work with. The lunch where we talk about nothing.
I do not need to be the best. I just need to still like what I do.